Titan Nose!
by A Humble Wordsmith
Summary: much adventure many struggle original character lvl 100 wow such good summary (For the record, the story has nothing to do with doge.)


"10.50 Jewel an hour," the young man muttered to himself. "10.50J an hour." He rested his head on his hands, elbows on the counter. "Good God, what am I doing…"

"Well, you _should _be taking coats," a fat-faced man replied sourly. He glowered down at the kid, who sighed and scowled back. They swapped grimaces for a while, but the older man caved first with a snarl. "Get back to work, kid. This is coming out of your pay." He stumped off.

"What pay?" the kid called after him. "What work?"

His boss appeared not to hear, instead shouting at the early arrivals on the dance floor: "Hello! Welcome to EDEN, the NUMBER ONE night club in FREESIA TOWN! Happy hour's just ended, but we're STILL running a discount: TEN SHOTS for the price of ONE ambulance ride!"

The kid heaved one more huge sigh and put his head back on the counter. A shadow blocked out the light, and he raised his head. "Listen, boss, nobody wears coats nowadays-" He stopped himself short when he noticed the shadow belonged to a very attractive young lady. "Oh, I'm sorry, miss. Can I take your coat?"

The girl giggled. "Thank you, ah," -her eyes dropped to name tag quickly- "Allen. I'm not wearing a coat, silly. It's July."

Allen sighed and hugged the counter again. "See, that's what I tell my boss, but does he listen? Nooo. He says I'm better off here, earning minimum wage, than running the light show or working the bar. I've always wanted to be a bartender. Favorite untrained job right there." He blinked. "You don't care, of course. But how can I help a beautiful yet sadly coatless young lady like yourself?"

"I'm, like, just passing through, on my way to Magnolia Town. I'm going to join Fairy Tail!" she exclaimed, straightening her posture.

Allen groaned. "You and every other mage. Sorry," he amended at her hurt face. "I didn't mean that. So, you're new here, huh? And of course, the first thing to do in a new place is visit the night club, right?"

"Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, not to be rude, but- well-"

"There's nothing else here, right? Yeah, I know." He sighed again. _Gotta stop sighing, _he thought. "Well, let me give you the quick rundown. Welcome to Freesia Town, where careers and old people come to die! We have a crappy night club, a mediocre library, and a moderately impressive sanitation department. The town's motto is _Nihil fit_, an unnecessarily pretentious use of Latin. Our most notable event was Natsu Dragneel's destruction of our ancient church."

"Really?"

"Really. Check the Fairy Tail Wiki if you don't believe me."

She blinked. "The what?"

"What?"

"Wait so you, like, met Natsu Dragneel?" Her eyes sparkled. "He's so hot and powerful and godlike and oh my lord I got to see him in the Grand Magic Games hot diggety that's why I want to join Fairy Tail…"

Allen let her blather on. She was pretty hot herself, come to think of it. Cute, of course. Blonde, blue eyes, typical white chick. Curves in all the right places, filled out her jeans pretty well. If it was true that the larger the girl's breasts, the stronger the mage, then she must be pretty darn powerful. He was just opening his mouth to make a play when she suddenly finished. "-so what's that guild over there, then?" She pointed a delicate finger vaguely behind her.

Allen squinted at the wall where she pointed, trying to remember what was on the other side. "Oh, that. That's Titan Nose."

"Titan Nose?"

"Yeah. We… uh… well, it fits the town."

"How?"

"Remember what I said about how nothing happens here?"

"Ah."

"Yeah." He grimaced. "Their most notable members were Bora, the excommunicated woman-slaver who got beat up by Natsu Dragneel, and Nalshe Mikagura, the 7th-most desirable mage in X784 according to _The Wizard I'd Like To Be My Girlfriend_. I have it on the best authority."

"So… They also met Natsu?" Her eyes were threatening to sparkle again.

"Well, Bora did, but he's no longer a member of the guild." She looked a little put-out. "It's alright, it's not so much farther until you get to see Natsu for yourself," he reassured.

"Really?"

"Yeah, just a league or two that way," Allen said, pointing at a different part of the wall. They gazed it, as if Natsu and his crew were just on the other side. He looked away and scuffed at the counter with a finger. "So, you here for dancing? I mean, I get off work in-" he made a big show of checking a nearby wall clock- "four hours, I'd be happy to escort you." It was a pickup line he'd failed with many times.

She smiled. "No, that's alright. Really, I'm just passing through."

"You sure? They have non-alcoholic beer for minors," he said tantalizingly.

She opened her mouth, probably to ask why on earth they'd make such a revolting drink, when the door burst open. A middle-aged man with grimy clothes strode in, glancing around. His gaze settled on Allen, and he stomped over to the coat check counter. "Let's not play around, Allen. Where is she?"

The lad sighed. "Come on, sir. She's not here, you know as well as I do."

"But- I could've sworn I saw her with that damn librarian-"

"If they've been together, they didn't come here."

The middle-aged man deflated. He had the air of a powerfully-built man gone to seed, and his cologne reeked of the disappointment of the shamed. He ran his hands through thinning hair. "You sure?" he asked meekly.

Allen nodded gently. "Listen, why don't you head in that room there, get yourself a drink. John at the bar's a friend of mine, he'll get you a drink for free. Besides, we've got a special on: ten shots for the price of the ambulance ride."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I might take you up on that," the man muttered. He shuffled to the bar, all fury forgotten.

The girl watched it all play out curiously. She stepped back up to the counter. "Who's that?"

"That's Master Walpole. He's the current leader of Titan Nose. Poor bastard came to Freesia to rebuild the guild, but his wife disappeared almost immediately after. Ran away to Magnolia Town, if you believe the rumors."

She winced. "That must, like, suck."

Allen nodded. "Yeah, I would think so. He's never been the same since. A little deranged, I think. I started working here a month ago; he's been running into Eden at least three times a week, looking for his wife. I set him straight when I'm here, and he usually just goes and drinks himself to sleep."

She stood in silence for a while. "Dayum," she finally said. "For a tiny town, you have some pretty sad stories."

"Doesn't everyone?" Allen held her gaze for a while, then looked away. "Well, I've kept you too long. You free for drinks later?"

"I'm sorry, I'm only 17. Aren't you a little young for drinking, too?"

"Non-alcaholic drinks, of course," he amended. "They should really let kids drink, ya know? Old enough to fight evil, old enough to fight hangovers, is what I say. Just look at- well, you know all about Fairy Tail and all that."

She smiled. "Well, I'm sure I could stick around long enough for a nice, legal drink."

"Is 7:30 good?" he asked, surprised his pickup lines actually worked.

She gave another sunny smile and breezed out. Allen grinned and leaned on his counter. Who says coat check counter taker guys can't get chicks?

* * *

At 7, when his shift ended, he stepped over the velvet rope and searched for his boss. He found him at the bar, sipping a brandy and trying to look like he wasn't. He was sneaking a couple glances down on the dance floor when Allen sauntered up. "Boss?"

He jumped. "It's non-alcoh- oh, it's you, Valo. What're you doing here? Shouldn't you be at the coat counter?"

"Shift's over, thanks. I was wondering, can I bring a date here?"

The boss's eyes bugged. "I don't know, can you?" He laughed heartily at his own joke and nudged the bartender to join in. John let out an awkward laugh and got back to polishing a glass.

Allen waited for the laughter to subside. "So, yeah?"

"Correct your sentence."

The lad's eyebrow lifted. "Are we seriously doing this right now?"

"Correct your sentence," the boss repeated. He folded his pudgy arms over his chest, looking for all the world like a dogmatic schoolteacher.

"A grammar lesson? From you, of all people? Wow. Just wow."

"Valo, I can and will fire your ass. Give me a reason."

"Fine. _May _I bring a date here?"

"Can you pay for her?"

Allen shrugged. "I don't know, can I?" He waited a beat. "That didn't work. Well, I figured she was a strong, independent white woman. She don't need no man, right?"

"Oh, you can't play it like that, Al." John spoke up from behind the bar. "She might be strong and independent, but she's going on a date with you, right? Prove to her she's not so strong and independent as she thinks she is, so that she'll need a gentlemanly arm to lean on."

Allen and his boss gazed at the barkeep in wonder. He reddened and scrubbed at his glass, which already shone like a jewel.

The boss whipped out a pocketwatch. "Good lord, is that the time? I need to talk to the DJ; the record lacrima might need changing. Sure, kid. Bring as many dates as you want, so long as you cover expenses." He started walking away, then stopped. "Actually, no. Don't pay. I'd love to take it out of your wages." He engaged Allen in another scowling contest, which Allen surrendered with bad grace.

When his supervisor was gone, Allen slid into a seat at the bar. "You're quite the Don Juan, aren't you? Don John, we could call you."

The bartender scoffed. "Please, Al. Try to treat your elders with some respect, huh?" He reddened again. "And yeah, I suppose you could say I'm popular with the ladies."

Allen looked at him with glee. "Teach me your tricks, John. Please. I can't get girls! Look at me, tell me what I'm doing wrong."

John raised an eyebrow. "Well, could be because you're the coat check guy. Not exactly a high-class job, kid."

"Says the bartender."

He laughed. "Fair enough. Well, I don't know. Check out the bar mirror, tell me what you see."

Allen looked up at the grimy mirror and blinked at his reflection. "Well, I see a perfectly sexy young man winking back at me."

"Allen, come on. I'm trying to help you out here."

"Fine. I… alright. I see a kid with brown hair. It might've been a crew cut once, but the front's all swept to the side. His eyes are a darker brown, soulful, dare I say beautiful-"

"Allen."

"He's got a nice shaved square jaw, white teeth, clean ears… Honestly, John, I don't know what's the issue."

"Keep going."

"Alright. Well. He's wearing a sensible black-and-white flannel buttondown, jeans. Black undershirt. The shoes are a little worse for wear, but still attractive. He's pretty muscular, this kid. Thick forearms, wide pecs. Maybe a little lacking in the biceps-"

"Good enough," John interposed. "So what have you learned?"

Allen blinked. "That I'm great in flannel? I might need contacts? You should clean your mirror? Honestly, John, I don't get it. That's why I'm trying to get your help, ya know?"

John nodded and leaned against his counter. "I feel. Well, it's less about how you look. Maybe look a little longer at how you described yourself? I mean, think about it. You kept throwing in little self-compliments; I know you're not really conceited, but girls might not know the difference between your jokes and your ego. It might shoo them away." He stood upright again and turned his back, replacing another glass.

Allen stared at his hands. _Damn, that was it? Do I act like an asshat? Honestly, I thought that was what women liked-_

"Allen?" He turned. It was the girl from earlier, in a different outfit: an almost-modest black dress which suited her excellently, with black heels to match and a small topaz at her throat. He suddenly felt underdressed. "Sorry, I might be a little early," she giggled.

He swallowed his nerves. "What? Nah, you look amazing. I mean I just got off work, I'm good." _Good God, man. When was your last date?_

She hopped up on the stool next to him and smiled at the bartender. "Hi! Can I get a vodka and apple juice?" John's eyes widened. "Oh, non-alcoholic, of course," she continued sweetly.

John looked over at Allen. "Um. Yeah, what she's getting. If that's ok," he coughed. _Vodka and apple juice? Damn, this girl goes hard._ _Even non-alcoholic._

John must've sensed his buddy's feelings, for when he bent over to get the juice, he whispered, "Come on, Al. She expects things from you! A date's a performance, with you as the star! Entertain your audience!"

The girl cocked her head innocently. "I'm sorry, sir. What're you whispering to Allen about?"

John coughed. "Allen? No, I was… talking to the glasses. I'm… It's a new bartending strategy from Namibia. Improves the flavor."

Allen nodded. _Nice save, Don John. Smooth as freaking silk._ "So, what's up with you? You got a name?"

She seemed not to hear the second question. "Not much, not much. I tried to hire a magical vehicle, but I guess you don't, like, have them here? Or a train station? Or horses?"

Allen shook his head. "Nah. Well, we have train tracks right next to Titan Nose, but that train don't stop there anymore. See, trains, horses, and cars are for leaving our fair town, which nobody ever seems to do. They don't want to, I guess."

"Even you?"

"Well, no. I'm different." John served them their drinks, giving him a _getting awkward man move it along_ look. "Soooo you're a mage, huh? What do you do?"

She smiled. "Oh, nothing much. Slight-of-hand, card tricks, moving at the speed of light, ring tricks. I do a lot."

Allen stared. "I'm sorry, you do what?"

"Ring tricks?" There was a glint in her eye telling him not to push it.

He ignored it. "No, before that. Speed of what now?"

Her face hardened. It was suddenly much darker, much shadowier. She sucked at her teeth. "Slip of the tongue, I'm afraid. Well, shoot. Just when I was enjoying the date," she teased menacingly, cutesy attitude gone.

"I don't understand," Allen said slowly. She looked like murder, but he was all the more attracted.

The boss walked back in. "Alright, John. The DJ's all set up with record lacrima for the rest of the night. Allen, has that date of yours OH LORD NO." His face whitened when he saw the girl and he fell, scrabbling at the floor. "Not you," he whimpered. "I paid my dues! I paid them all, didn't I?"

The girl stood, glaring down at the man scraping below her. "Not all of them, I'm afraid," she said with a startling edge to her tone. "According to my client, there's still the matter of a few hundred thousand Jewel."

"What? Nonono, I repaid that last week! He said he got the money!"

"No concern of mine," she continued, not skipping a beat. "He says you're still in debt. I'm here to make you… unindebted. Empty your safe."

"Wha- What safe?" the boss stammered, eyes darting around.

"Don't play games with me, old man." She took a black-stilettoed step forward, glaring at him. He made a strange sort of gurgle and ran off behind a curtain, to where Allen knew he kept his cash.

Allen stared at the girl openmouthed. "This wasn't about a date, was it?" he eventually asked.

She sighed and sat back down on the stool. "Sorry, Allen. You're charming, but no. I'm on a job. I needed a way in, to meet the owner. You were a means to an end."

"So you don't want to go to Fairy Tail?"

"Fairy Tail? Pfft. God, no. I'm part of an excellent guild as it is, thanks very much." She glanced over at him. "What, did I fool you with that girly act?"

He shrugged. Truth was, yeah, she did. He watched as she grabbed her glass and drained it in one gulp. "Time for one more, Mr. Barkeep?" she asked, sliding her glass back.

John seemed just as shocked as Allen by her sudden change in personality, but held his ground. "I'm sorry, miss, but if you're extorting from my business I'm under oath to try and stop you. So's Allen."

She laughed. "You're ridiculous. This isn't extortion, just… getting what's owed. All I know is I saw the job request on the board, and I- well about goddamn time, worm," she called across to the boss, who was now clutching a briefcase. She was suddenly all business again. "Throw me the briefcase. No sudden moves."

Allen could see the boss trying to work out how to throw something without making a sudden move. The girl tapped her foot. "Did I stutter?" she demanded. He shook his head frantically, and gently swung the briefcase underhand across the room. She caught and opened it in one smooth motion. Her fine golden eyebrows drew together as she examined the contents. "Is- Is this a joke?" she asked. The boss swallowed hard, his legs giving way. She upended the briefcase, and a few stacks of bills fell out. "Allen, sweetie, does this look like 300,000J to you?" He shook his head. "Barkeep?" John shrugged. "Yeah, nobody here thinks it's 300,000J. How bout you, bossman? You going to tell me that we're all blind?" The girl stepped closer to the boss and bent over until she was right in his face. Allen, being the guy he was, watched her skirt ride higher. He squinted, moved his head. Was that a wolf tattooed on her thigh? _Oh she a bad girl,_ he thought.

"N-No, no of course you're not blind!" the boss gasped. "I- I just don't have that kind of money!"

She sneered at him and stood. "Really? I'm sure this dump could bring you a pretty penny if you sold it."

The boss's breath caught. "Sell Eden? I can't do that, it's a pillar of the community! It's my life's ambiAGHGHHH," he screamed.

She smiled and took her heel off his hand. "What was that? I couldn't hear you over the sound of your finger breaking. You said you could sell it, right?"

He was sobbing now. Allen didn't quite know what to do; should he step in? His boss seemed to be in trouble, but if it was anything shady, it didn't concern him.

"All right, all right. I'll sell," he whimpered, clutching his hand.

"Actually, no. No selling. Give me the deed to the place." He took a paper out of his pocket with his good hand and passed it over. She glanced through it and nodded. "This should cover your debts. Honestly, if you're building an orphanage, at least make sure you have the cash to cover it first."

_Building a what now?_

She stalked back to the bar and tossed back her second drink, slapping one of the stacks of money on the bar. "Here. Thanks for the drinks. And Allen, I enjoyed the date. You really know how to show a girl a good time. Don't worry, I'll pick up the tab on this one." She winked and made to get by him.

Allen stood and stretched, blocking her way. "Listen, I'm sure you've got your reasons, but we can't just let you walk in and intimidate our boss. Right, John?" He looked over to the bartender for support, who nodded and whipped out a heavy pipe from behind the counter.

The girl pouted. "Seriously? I don't like hurting people," she sighed as her body started glowing. Allen knew a final form when he saw one, and he didn't like where it was headed. He cocked a fist to stop her, but his punch hit air. She was already around him and on top of the bar, fast as light, with her stilettoed instep at John's temple. The poor barkeep was sent through the counter and into the wall, where he collapsed in a groaning heap.

She grinned. "Ah, who am I kidding? I love hurting people." She turned to Allen, poised to deliver another blow.

He scrambled to stop her. "I- I didn't catch your name!" he blurted. _Are you seriously still trying for this chick? God, Allen. She's freaking lethal._

The girl considered this, a shining finger to her lip. "Oh, that's right. You never did, did you?"

Her lips parted, her arm blurred, and everything went black.

* * *

**wow. many drama. such cliffhang**

**I felt like writing something, so I did. If y'all like it, I'll write more. Let me know!  
**


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